...and counting.
Although he didn't sleep well last night, and this morning was rough, and we had to drive through relatively heavy rain, the appointment is done, and there are still no side effects causing problems.
He is much more relaxed now that we are back home, safe and sound.
One day at a time!
Because we had prepared for potential traffic issues, we arrived a half hour early. Sat in the car for about 10 minutes, then went on in.
It was the first time we'd run into more than one other patient in the waiting area. Today, the waiting area (which is quite small) was full.
When Biff checked in at the counter, the receptionist went into a monologue about the weather alert she had just gotten on her phone. I couldn't hear it all, but Biff says it was all about the coastal areas - which doesn't directly impact us. One of those times I'm glad we don't live "at the beach." They are having a really rough time with all this wet!
Things seemed to be backed up at the facility. Usually, if we are early, they end up collecting Biff to take him back early. Not today. Today, they didn't come get him until after the official appointment time.
Those of us in the waiting room had a bit of conversation about the weather and traffic. First time I've seen a younger person in for treatment. Handsome black guy with blond hair. He'd had a wretched drive in from Hancock Park via Santa Monica and Wilshire Blvd. Poor guy.
I also noticed, again, that I have yet to see a woman receiving any of these treatments. I suppose that isn't surprising. I'm sure the vast majority of Vets are male. Still ends up feeling odd, you know?
I found myself getting a little tense as I waited today. They had him back there longer than usual. I was shopping for new umbrellas on my phone (turns out ours are woefully inadequate), trying to make myself read more of the "lite reading" information we've received, making notes, and trying to distract myself. It was a relief when he finally came back out.
And he was fine. He explained that they'd had to fully reset his treatment today. They had actually started the treatment, then stopped it, came in and apologized profusely, explaining they needed to reset the positioning. They apparently said something about the doctor having ordered an adjustment to the treatment focus... Or something...???
So, I've made a note to ask the doctor about that when we see him on Friday. I'm thrilled the doctor is still focused and adjusting things - much better than if he just set it once and let it go. On the other hand, I worry that they did something wrong and had to correct it today?!?! Choosing to trust that they set up the original plan, and then realized the doctor had asked for a change. Yeesh.
They were also short-handed. Usually there are the 3 technicians (Kinley, Bridget, and Mikaela) and a man (have not been introduced) to get him all locked in before they start. Today, there were only 2 of the gals doing all of it...
My niece would point out that Mercury is currently in retrograde. Sometimes I think Mercury is ALWAYS in retrograde. 😩
It's a little crazy today. The weekend was not as relaxing and productive as I'd hoped it would be. We were both exhausted, and I had to accept that we both needed to rest more than I'd expected. Biff was also a little subdued, less upbeat than he had been during the week prior. And I'm so hyper-focused on him that I worry about everything, including his mood.
And things got frantic this morning. Stupid shit making us both frustrated and befuddled. Like he didn't realize I'd set up the coffee maker (filled the water, put in the new filter and coffee). I'd just forgotten to turn it on (doh!). So, not realizing, he threw out the fresh filter and coffee and added another batch of water! Both of us got confused and annoyed with each other and ourselves. So, not a big deal, but a great example of how tough it is for us to manage the usual life stuff. EVERYTHING seems to take so much more time and effort to manage.
Reminded me of a film I watched on my own recently (while Biff was recovering from surgery). A "cancer" movie called "Our Friend." It's the story of a couple and their "third-wheel" best friend who moves in to help when the woman gets cancer. The friend is living in another town when he takes a couple days off work to go help out for a few days. When he gets there, he realizes the husband isn't able to handle everything on his own (they have 2 kids, too), and the friend stays. He just stays all the way until she dies... It's a fascinating, super sad, movie - based on a true story.
Today, I understood it in a different way. I had a list of things I wanted to get done today before leaving for the 2pm treatment, and time just went sideways. Biff needed help with things I hadn't anticipated... Like, he couldn't answer his cell phone properly when a call came in. Again! I ended up figuring out how I could make it easier for him to answer the phone. A couple setting adjustments - but I had to google it, then actually make it happen. Set it up on his phone (after doing it on my phone first), testing it... It just eats up time. And every little thing is a whole production, rather than a quick bit of business. Anyway...
This will all be a lesson in patience for both of us - with each other and for ourselves, too. Hard to even imagine asking for help with things, although I'm sure I will at some point. I mean, we don't have any friends we can imagine moving in to help out like that movie, and neither of us can imagine being comfortable with it if they did. LOL But we'll be figuring things out in new ways, slowly, with grace and patience - right!?!?!
Another interesting moment. On the drive to treatment, Biff mentioned he was not looking forward to putting on that creepy mask today. It fits so tightly on his face. And they latch it to the table he is lying on, specifically so he can't move at all. It is not uncomfortable, but also not comfortable - just hard to be trapped like that.
I could certainly understand. But I pointed out that in the case of radiation treatment, it is a VERY GOOD THING that they make sure he doesn't move at all. And that helped him relax about it. Just a little shift in perspective.
It really is an honor, a privilege, to be his primary support through this scary journey. Not easy, not fun, but not all horrible. It moves me more than I can say to be so aware how much my love and support helps him. And how much his love for me helps me, forgives me when I lose my patience. Reminds me of a quote from another "cancer" movie ("Shadowlands") - "The happiness now is part of the sadness then, and the sadness then is part of the happiness now." Something like that.
We've been through a lot of hard things over our 40+ years together. This is definitely the scariest, and no doubt will be the hardest, but I am grateful to be on this journey with him. Love of my life!
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